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Music Reviews Are Dumb: A Music Review | hungryzoo.com
Posted July 28, 2011 by
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(or: All Over Your Face by Garfunkel and Oates is funny and you should get it.)

Born from the loins of cosmic inspiration, the Muses looked down upon man and granted him an alternative idea that was so radical, so new, so misunderstood it could only be called one thing: art. But universe could not hold such a glorious presence unbalanced and unchecked. Because of such an anomaly a curious thing happened; the universe immediately birthed a twin. An entity that at first seemed harmless enough but would soon grown into an evil jealous sibling who would lurk in the shadows and strike down its brethren if ever given the chance.

This twin is of course was the critic.

Now critiquing art is a tricky lot. It can be as simple as stating, “Hey, I like that.” Or it can become a complex, overzealous and hollow beast that is so wrapped up in its own image/voice that it no longer can hear the music over the sound of the tortured screams coming from its audience.

It’s a slippery and dangerous slope. It starts innocently enough with simply trying to recommend some music to a friend…but…if left unchecked it can soon spiral out of control and you’ll find yourself desperately cashing in all your ten-cent words while over analyzing some indie EP no one has ever heard of as if it’s a clue from National Treasure 3: The Davinci Code.

So what is the music critic to do? Well frankly give people what they really want and cut through all the pretentious bullcrap.

Here is a handy check list (in order) so you’ll never be confused again. You may print it out and laminate it at your leisure.

Music Review:

1: Album Title.
All Over Your Face by Garfunkel and Oates

2: Recommendation.
“Hey check this band out. It’s a comedy album but it’s all songs and it’s really funny. No seriously check it out, one chick has a ukulele. Wait hold on let me send you a link.”

3: The Link To A Youtube Vid Of Them.

4: The Link To Their Wikipedia Page.

5: The Link To Their Album On iTunes.

6: The Link To The Torrent Of The Album.


So there you go. That’s all anyone really needs/wants in a music review. And if you want to recommend the album to anyone else just copy and paste the six step procedure above. It’s so simple even your grandmother could do it. Seriously, it’s easier than falling asleep in front of the TV while watching Law and Order SVU and she has pretty much mastered that.

OH I almost forgot! Here is the album art for your iTunes library after you torrent buy the album.



Did you find this article informative? You didn’t? Well you can go kill yourself. Seriously. I’ll wait. It just takes one bullet or ten aspirins, your call. While everyone else is waiting check out monkeywithamonocle’s other posts How To Make Your Very Own “Post Secret” Postcard and 4 Mario Power-ups I Wish I Had In Real Life.

Post your incredibly inferior opposing viewpoints and/or your well thought out and finely crafted appreciation below; OR contact the primate himself at monkeywithamonocle@gmail.com and follow him on twitter @mikematola





(+2 rating, 2 votes)
©hungryzoo, 2011

One Response to “Music Reviews Are Dumb: A Music Review”

  1. Matthew says:

    As the resident pretentious music critic, I’d like to chime in by saying I hate Garfunkel and Oates. Take that, you self-aware-t-shirt-wearing duo!