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 (or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bob-omb)

In the 1980’s a young Shigeru Miyamoto created a small and heroic plumber by the name of “Jumpman” to battle the dastardly Donkey Kong on his girders of doom. And in that deadly maze of vertical metal Jumpman discovered his first power-up ever: The Hammer. Jumpman would soon become Mario and The Hammer would be accompanied by an insane amount of other power-ups that would range all the way from a mushroom that makes to big all the way to a dinosaur that eats everything and craps out extra lives.

Over time the power-ups become so necessary that the only reason Mario can do anything or save anyone is because of the plethora of extra abilities littered oh so conveniently around him at any given time. Frankly one would think having their own bountiful bank of power-ups to call upon when things got a little rough would make life perhaps a tad easier.

I think they’re right.

The 4 Mario power-ups I wish I had in real life:

4. Kuribo’s Shoe

Possibly the most random and nonsensical of all the Mario power-ups, Kuribo’s Shoe provides non sequitur stomping to your side scrolling experience. I mean, it’s a giant wind up shoe that stomps on things. Pretty self explanatory really.

This translates well into reality as one immediately sees the immediate benefits of having a giant wind up shoe that you can ride in during your everyday commute. Think of all the red lights you could blow through, all of the detours you wouldn’t have to take and most of all, think of all the traffic jams you could flatten, leaving only twisted metal and shattered dreams in your wake.

Now you might be thinking, “Wait, traffic? Why not just use one of the power-ups that make you fly?”

That’s easy, I would choose Kuribo’s shoe because not only is it a viable means of transportation but is perfect for easing traffic congestion and making every driver who makes my commute a little bit slower pay for their sins. Those fools must be atoned for their inferior driving skills. Why do they slow down around curves in the freeway even though there is NOTHING THERE?! Why are you slowing down?! It makes no sense!

Sub-par drivers are my sworn and mortal enemies and they must be destroyed for their insolence. I have become Shiva angel of death and Kuribo’s Shoe is my sword…

Sorry, I blacked out there for a second. What’s next?

3. Tanooki Suit

This is a double whammy in the field of superior power-ups. The Tanooki Suit is a raccoon costume that gives you the power of flight and if that isn’t good enough it also lets you turn in a statue.

Yes you read that correctly, a statue.

You see not only do you don a raccoon suit complete with full functioning flight capabilities but you also get the ability to turn into a camouflage providing statue. For some reason, as a statue, enemies don’t seem to notice you and wander  away. Sort of like a class of 3rd graders at the museum of modern art.

Now when translated into the real world, the Tanooki Suit becomes an instant and obviously dangerous triple threat. Examples!

Raccoon Suit

Flight

Camouflage

Three for one and ladies changing. And you thought Yoshi was cool. Pfft.

2. Fire Flower

The fire flower in all its glory lets the user harness the power of  elemental fire, casting his foes into the depths of hell in a flaming burst of fury. But that’s not all that the Fire Flower power-up gives you. Sure possessing the power to control fire is cool…for a while. What you really need is what every gamer really needs in real life: style.

Everyone seems to have missed out on the big picture. The Fire Flower gives you more than just infinite and awesome pyro-powers that you could ultimately use to bring peace throughout the world or squash it easier than a goomba with leprosy. What the Fire Flower really gives you is an instant and striking wardrobe change.

You may one day find yourself in normal grubby street attire when suddenly you’re invited to P. Diddy’s white party that seems to be occurring in less than twenty seconds.

What do you do?

What DO you do? 

Bam! With your Fire Flower in hand you instantly revert all your lame and tacky colorized clothes into an exotic and inverted white palette.

This only works of course until you get hurt or fall down into a bottomless pit. So you have to be extra careful because the only thing P. Diddy likes more than crazy and immaculate wardrobe themed parties is bottomless pits.

And thwomps.

1. Star

At the dawn of time during the age of the gods and goddesses, man looked up at Mount Olympus and lusted for the power of immortality. Millions of years later in the 1980’s the Power Star would achieve such a feat…

Frankly the real world capabilities of being absolutely invulnerable and practically immortal would change everything…ever. People would dive headfirst into volcanoes and space exploration would suddenly be in the grasp of anyone had enough duct tape to strap themselves to any of those old cold war missiles Russia “says” they got rid of.

How cool would it be to try sky diving without a parachute or perhaps even just strolling  around the bottom of the ocean, never having to breath and having the intense bone crushing pressure have no effect on you whatsoever?

Well…that is…temporarily.

Ah yes, the proverbial chink in the Power Star’s armor. It’s only temporary. You wouldn’t have time to complete any of the dangerous things you wanted to do without suddenly being thrust into harm’s way mid-awesomeness.

So then what good is complete invulnerability if you have less than a minute to use it? It would have to be something with a high arousing payoff that can potentially take a little amount of time to do.

Well, how about complete and stupid bareback promiscuous sex?!

For some reason sex is the little discussed perk of being invincible. Everyone is always primarily focused on blowing up asteroids or saving babies from oncoming trains but having copious amounts of awesome sex would shoot to the top of my immortal to-do list (right behind going over “Niagra Falls in a barrel” and “eat a whale”)

It would be perfect, no risk of STD’s, no horrible infections and hell, it would even prevent pregnancy! The Star power-up would jump start a new sexual revolution!

Now if you could only talk to a woman.

Like what you saw? Well toot a little song on your Warp Whistle and check out monkewithamonocle’s other posts: Top ten rejected Wii-mote apps and What your first Pokemon says about you.

Post your incredibly inferior opposing viewpoints and/or your well thought out and finely crafted appreciation below; OR contact the primate himself at monkeywithamonocle@gmail.com and follow him on twitter @mikematola