If the film industry has taught us anything, it’s that it is extremely difficult and damn near impossible to have an original idea. In fact, department of homeland security has recently trained German Shepards to smell new ideas in passengers arriving at LAX and attack their genitals. Mostly as a deterrent to the other passengers to keep their unique thoughts to themselves.
In the years since Hollywood has outlawed creativity, the oppressed and huddled masses were left scrambling to fill the gaps in the entertainment industry with anything and everything they could. That’s when in a cocaine fueled rage, a young producer was able to scratch into the wall of his rooftop penthouse, “Gritty Superhero Reboot…” moments before his heart exploded.
Thanks to the vision of this young lad we are now able to rehash old and useless shit from our childhood by simply making it live action, running it through a blue or orange filter, and then having the score done by either Hans Zimmer or Smash Mouth. Thus making sure that anything fun and interesting dies a horrible death in the vast depths of obscurity.
In the spirit of this new trend set in motion by franchise reboots of Batman, Superman, Spider-man, Transformers, Smurfs, Planet Of The Apes, Footloose, Dawn Of The Dead, Oceans 11, The Departed, The Thing, Halloween, A Nightmare On Elm Street, Friday The Thiteenth, Land Of The Lost, Scooby Doo, the Incredible Hulk…just to name a few, Hollywood has just announced its flagship for the summer of 2013:
“Captain Planet: Abomination Hour”
Wheeler-Fire: Wheeler, an ex-cop from Hell’s Kitchen, is known for his wild and uncontrollable temper. He was thrown off the force when charged with allegedly burning down O’Mally’s Tavern. The case was thrown out because of lack of evidence and because a few choice attorneys were mysterious burned beyond recognition in their sleep. Wheeler now spends his nights dispensing vigilantly justice with hell fire aggression. With all of the crime, hate, and injustice in the city all around him, he often sits awake at night nursing a bottomless bottle of Wild Turkey while pondering, “Is the environment even worth saving anymore?”
Played by: Sam Worthington
Linka-Wind: After the fall of the Soviet Union, Linka’s father, a former KGB agent, was tried and hanged for crimes against humanity during the cold war. Now a sworn enemy of the communist party and Mother Russia, she travels the Eastern European countryside as a terrorist leader against the Soviet underground specializing in roadside bombs and I.E.D’s. She kills under the guise, “The Black Zephyr,” and is subsidized by the American government.
She hasn’t spoken to Wheeler since the abortion.
Played by: Elle Fanning
Kwami-Earth: Kwami has become an advocate for Doctors Without Boarders throughout war torn Central Africa. In his strive to bring much needed medical attention to his country he has been forced to make many unsavory deals with local drug cartels and war lords. This weighs heavy on his soul but he still marches on under the weakening excuse that it is for the greater good. Unbeknown to him the cartels are in fact infecting Africans purposefully to bring funds to their states and to fuel their wars. Oh, and he has AIDS now.
Played by: Terrance Howard,
Who is replaced in the sequel by Don Cheadale,
Who is then replaced in Part Three by Elle Fanning.
Gi-Water: Deep within China’s toleration regime, Gi was trained from birth in the martial arts by her grandfather who was killed on her twelfth birthday by the corrupt General Tsao. As an orphan she is forced into prostitution and gets hooked on opiates. The only thing that keeps her alive is her devotion to revenge. On her twenty-second birthday she puts two bullets into the head of a person she believed to be General Tsao but in fact was her grandfather who was alive all along. The mistake haunts her to this day and no amount of water in the world is able to wash the blood from her hands.
Played by: Elle Fanning
Played by: Robert Pattinson
When their powers combine, they summon Earth’s mightiest champion:
Captain Planet: A dark and silent protector, his rage burns hotter than the deepest volcanoes and more violent than the most powerful hurricanes. He has watched as the Earth tore itself apart. The chaos builds in is heart and lashes out as lightning and thunder. He has sworn an oath to protect his mother and will not stop until the rivers run red with blood and nature’s balance has been restored. He will burn all who stand in his way for he is eternal and nature always finds a way.
Played by: Ryan Reynolds (of course!)
Set in the mid 90’s, the Planeteers are now retired and find themselves in a new world where pollution has become a debatable occurrence. Bureaucracy, apathy, and media sensationalism are all tools used by a global secret society known only as the Protectors Of Lord’s Law United Through Eternity who believe it is their destiny bestowed upon them by god to leave candy bar wrappers in city gutters.
The movie begins with all of the Planeteers attending Ma-Ti’s funeral. For the rest of the movie they all must defeat their own individual demons and learn to work as a team, breaking through each others’ deep rooted racism and political ideals.
In the third act when they are almost defeated they realize that they all processed the power of heart the whole time…in their hearts. With this knowledge they are able to summon Captain Planet and defeat pollution once and for all…
…and then Samuel L. Jackson shows up and asks them to join the Avengers.
Are you a Planeteer? Do you want to be one too? Because saving our planet is the thing to do. Looting and Polluting is not the way. Hear what Captain Planet has to say, “You should check out monkeywithamonocle’s other posts Australia Wants To Kill You and Jazz (Part II of II)”
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