Everyone is well aware of and acquainted with the glorious and scenic country of New Zealand, home of such exports as The Lord Of The Rings, The Flight Of The Concords, and the fantastic furry fruit, the kiwi. But just off the coast of New Zealand is a little known island where the deserts are dry the coasts are cruel and where everything wants to kill you:
Australia.
When the cosmos were made and chaos was thrust into a primordial ooze, Evolution decided to completely screw over one continent by putting all of the worse and scariest animals possible in one place.
Experts on Australia will tell you that while these animals are indeed extremely dangerous they shouldn’t be feared as long as they are treated with respect in their natural environment. Those experts are wrong.
Dead Wrong.
Australia has accumulated wild life so vicious and evil, they secrete a venom that first bangs your wife and then cleans out your bank account before it completely shuts down your nervous system.
So if you are dumb enough not to heed my warning here is just a taste of what will be waiting for you in the night should you ever dare, in a moment of pure insanity and desperation, travel to the land down under.
Box Jellyfish
The Box Jellyfish that is easily and extremely commonly found all along the Australian coast. It possesses and insanely potent venom that shuts down your respiratory system as soon as fifteen minutes after sting. If the box jellyfish tapped you on the shoulder to ask you what time it was, you would die.
If someone touches its tentacles just to get them off of you, they die. The only comforting fact is that they are all dumb as hell and just kind of float around because if they were to ever wise up and unionize, it’d be like Lord of the Rings shit right there. With giant jellyfish towers, jellyfish wizards and orcs. Oh god, so many jellyfish orcs.
Scorpion Fish
Man discovered this fish and instead of giving it an original name, he decided to name it after one of the most effed up creatures on land, the scorpion. It belongs to the group of fish Scorpaenidae (best Harry Potter villain of all time) that contains some of the world’s most venomous fish ever.
It kills its prey (and you) by using the sharp spines along its body coated with venomous mucus to poison and induce some of the worst pain imaginable. Treatment of said sting is to dunk the affected area into the hottest water the subject can tolerate. That’s right, after you are already in intense pain, the treatment is to douse the area with water as hot as you can barely tolerate. Dear Scorpion Fish, I hate you.
Barrier Reef Cone Shell
This particular nightmare of the great blue deep looks just like a sea shell, you know, the kind that Sally sells (don’t as me where) and has a venom that is made up of several neurotoxin peptides that can kill humans by causing muscle paralysis and respiratory failure.
Oh, also it has teeth that can bite though your cloths.
Yeah, that’s right, not only does this thing have perfect camouflage that lets it blend in with rocks and shells (the kind that people like to pick up and walk on) but it also has teeth that can pierce clothing and deliver paralyzing neurotoxins into your system resulting in your untimely death. But you know…whatever.
Stone Fish
Aptly named because of it’s speckled and muddy textured skin, the Stone Fish spends most of its time sitting in shallow waters partially covered in dirt and sand waiting for its prey to swim/walk by. I’ll cut the crap, here’s the deal, if you step on a stone fish (and you will, they like to sleep in people’s shoes and below the bottom step of stairwells) the spines that line its back will inject venom causing excruciating pain, muscle weakness, temporary paralysis and shock.
And it doesn’t give a shit.
So by now you’re probably thinking, “Alright, so I’ll just stay away from the coast, piece-o-cake, I can’t even swim anyways, I’ll be safe inland.”
If being wrong was having sex with animals, you’d be Catherine the Great at a furries convention. Not only does everything in the water want to kill you but everything on land does too, and they can run faster than you. For example:
Red Back Spider
Are you afraid of spiders? No? What if there were thousands of tiny spiders crawling all over you while you slept? Scuttering in and out of your open mouth, muffling your screams and biting you with their paralyzing fangs inside your throat, ears and underneath your fingernails? It could happen. Regardless, the spider is a deadly foe and in Australia, they don’t mess around.
In particular the Red Back Spider scares the crap out of its enemies by weaving a nasty and mangled web of some of the strongest silk in the arachnid kingdom and while it mostly feasts on insects it is known to trap and eat things as large as small lizards. I’ve seen it too, on the internet, a picture of the red back spider dragging a dead lizard up to its web. And they’re not having tea up there either, unless sucking the lifeless juices from a chameleon is having tea, then that is totally what they are doing. They are having a shitload of tea.
Snakes
Notice just how I used the extremely general term “snakes” and not a very specific term such as the Taipan Snake who’s venom is strong enough to kill over a hundred full grown humans with one bite. That’s because out of the ten most deadliest snakes in the world, eight live in Australia. Eight of them! It’s as if when you get off the plane over there they hand you a ten shooter and say, “No worries mate! We o’ly put eight rounds in there!” And then yell at you to put it to your temple and pull the trigger three times.
It’s in their national anthem.
So do you still think you’re still safe? Because you’re not. I haven’t mentioned:
The Saltwater Crocodile-Eats water buffalo by dragging it to the bottom of a pond and drowning it.
Blue Ring Octopus- It’s the size of a golf ball, there is no known antidote for its venom, and looks like a blooper from Mario Bros.
Brown Snake-A baby brown snakes can kill a full grown human, with cuteness! And horrible horrible poison.
Tiger Snake-This snake is actually protected by the government, not because it’s endangered but because they’re scared of what it will do to them.
Funnel Spider-Has fangs that can pierce through toe nails. Just take a moment and fully visualize that, right now, with your toe.
Great White Shark-It can jump out of the air and swallow an airplane.
Duck Billed Platypus- The perfect killing machine disguised as a retarded beaver duck and it’s poisonous. No seriously. Look that shit up son.
Are you scared yet? Because you will be…you will be. If you want to learn more about things that you probably will never ever enccounter in your life you should check out monkeywithamonocle’s other posts What Your fist Pokemon Says About You and My Cats Hate Dolphins.
Post your incredibly inferior opposing viewpoints and/or your well thought out and finely crafted appreciation below; OR contact the primate himself at monkeywithamonocle@gmail.com and follow him on twitter @mikematola
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