Video games these days now have more add-ons and attachments than Inspector Gadget in a space suit. There has been no worse offender than the Nintendo Wii, what with their wii-baseball bats, golf clubs, and tennis rackets. Some make it past quality control while others are thrown into the obscurity currently occupied by the Virtual Boy and Game Boy printer. Here are a few that just couldn’t hold their own against the juggernaut that is the Wii-remote jacket i.e. condom (Nintendo knows what you do when you’re not playing…you sinner).
10. Wii-Brass Knuckles
Imagine playing Wii-Boxing with your friends and while they’re wailing their arms around like Robin Williams on fire you quietly slip these bad boys around your knuckles and finish them with a haymaker to their oh-so-fragile glass jaw. Not only would you instantly become the coolest guy in the room you’d feel badder than that Corey kid unveiling the Power Glove. Unfortunately Nintendo couldn’t keep up with the complaints of kids with D-pad indents across their faces.
What would make any Wii game harder than completing Contra without using the cheat code? (I’m not writing the code out, that example was cliché enough.) Try beating Wii games without contracting Tetanus. This app is clearly a fast and universal way of upping the ante on any Nintendo title. Is Barbie Pony Party too easy for ya? Try beating it without your jaw locking up. Not so easy is it tough guy?
8. Wii-Pregnancy Test
On the other end of the medical supply spectrum the Wii-pregnancy test was suppose to initiate the newest Nintendo gamer immediately after conception thus instantaneously rendering it a fan boy capable of posting why Wii is far superior than Xbox in chat rooms by the second trimester. Unfortunately Wii-motes aren’t waterproof and husbands were getting kind of mad trying to play Zelda with a controller their wife had three minutes earlier pissed all over. Hindsight is 20/20 my friends.
7. Wii-Cinder Block
They just couldn’t find the market for this one. I don’t get it. I think it has huge potential for Wii-fit. Trying swinging this bad boy around while balancing on one foot. One week later your arms rival those of Madonna….crazy.
6. Wii-Sharp Knife
Originally considered for the wildly popular Japanese cooking games, the Wii-Sharp Knife became a bad idea when it started being used for games like Wii-Bowling and Baseball. A fun night chillin’ in the dorms, sipping beers and playing a little Wii-Sports quickly becomes a deleted scene from Hostel Part 2.
5. Wii-Dialysis Machine
The Wii was designed to accommodate the whole family into the gaming experience. Nintendo really when for it when they tried not only to include the elderly with the Wii’s fun and intuitive controls but also with it’s life saving medical procedures old people so desperately need. Waiting for a new kidney? That doesn’t have to stop you from rescuing Princess Peach. I mean, your kidneys are failing, what else are you going to do besides play video games all day?
After shipping a few hundred thousand over seas from Japan, (through Detroit of course) Nintendo had to pull the plug when gamers found that it wasn’t just a fun mod for Resident Evil but an actual fully functioning dirty bomb. Some kid in rural Indiana found that out the hard way when some suits raided his house and now, instead of the 7th grade this year he’s looking at twenty-five to life at some prison camp in a country that doesn’t legally exist. The good news is the gaming community is growing like gangbusters in the Middle East and China, Nintendo has recently received and overwhelming amount of orders for the remainder of the product.
3. Wii-Plymouth Prowler
In and effort to become even sleeker, cooler and more youth oriented than it already was, Nintendo considered buying the 2.6 billion unsold 1997 Plymouth Prowlers in an effort to help the dying auto industry and boost their own sales at the same time. Unfortunately no one cared about the monstrosity of a car back then and no one does now. A Wii-1967 Mustang….now THAT’S an app.
What is better than one? Two! Instead of having one Wii-mote now you can put your original Wii-mote in this identical but larger second Wii-mote. It’s a little awkward in your hands and has only half the battery life and won’t work with any games except those released by Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen that strictly revolve around shopping and it requires the use of eight non-rechargeable D batteries but I’m telling you, I’ve used it, totally worth it.
It’s hard to get women to play video games in the hugely male dominated industry and in an effort to attract more business from the fairer sex, Nintendo obviously thought about releasing a ****** application for the Wii-mote. The whole thing was scrapped when research found though while popular with single women and lonely housewives the application kept girls glued to the TV leaving their boyfriends plenty of time to play non- Nintendo games like Call of Duty and Halo. Good news though, I hear they have a ****** with a dual ******** and several ******** that will support online ****** in 2012. Things are lookin’ up!
Do you feel like your brain is screaming “MORE! MORE YOU DAMN FOOL! CRACK YOUR BACKS LIKE THE OARS THAT PLUNDER! ROW! ROW INTO THAT HILARIOUS STORM AHEAD!” Then check out Monkeywithamonocle’s other posts : What your first Pokemon says about you & Truths in Star Wars even George Lucas missed (Part I)
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